What happened?

They are the same old faces.
The same old friends.
The same wonderful people.
The same fun and bright individuals.

It is so strange though,
because, you know, something has changed.
I cannot bring myself to believe that these same
wonderful people--
my friends--
are smoking pot--
and drinking to get drunk--
and hooking up.
Something has changed.
Something is not the same.
The weirdest part is...

I let the judgement seep out of my body and into the ground.
I let the judgement fly from my soul like a butterfly being released in a garden.
I let the judgement drain into the sewers like rain on an April morning.
I let the judgement fall away like the boosters of a rocket during ascent.
I let the judgement run away like a dog held up in a cage for weeks.
I let the judgement rise up, out of me, like smoke out of a chimney stack.
If the finger is to be pointed, it is only to be pointed at myself.

And you know what?
I still love these people I've come to call and keep as friends.
I still cherish our conversations.
I still can relate, somehow.
I am so very different, but so very much the same.

That's all for now,
Girl Beyond The Rise

There Was Once

Think.
There was once a time--
not too long ago
that there existed a constant threat
that trailed behind
like a shadow in the heat of the afternoon.

Leaving a feeling of emptiness--
Alone among
a group of insiders.
Afraid to look up
and meet the cold stare of the
surroundings.

Unstable. Shaken.
Stressed. Afraid.
Alone. Cold. Oppressed.
Pressured. Unloved. Unappreciated.
Forgotten.

And what fortune!
What a blessing
to have made it out alive.
If only just barely.

How dark were those days
wandering the halls of
the shadowy corners that have since
been lit.
I have hemmed up my own skirt.
Sown up my own lip.

In fact,
there is HEALING.
In fact,
there is REDEMPTION.
Healed not by one, human self.
But healed by the one and only
Mercy

A stark illumination of a chance.
An opportunity.
A shot at maybe,
just maybe,
being happy.

Truly
and Really
Happy.
Happy being the way I am now.
Happy being the way I can be.
Happy being the most I can be.

-Girl who couldn't be more honest if she tried. Welcome to the 100%.

And Here's to 2012!
The year of getting comfortable with the 100% that I have been dealt.
Unbelievable. Incredible.
But possible and
present.

The Story

Between the lines
you can read the story of a girl.
A girl whose hurt and desire
fills the white blank pages of
the internet.
Where she poured her heart into
and was truly yearning for more.

All this time
you were just looking for Him.
Looking for the one that would
Listen,
and
Respond,
and
Care.

Undercurrents that point Him out
prove that all along she was looking for Him.
And He, undeniably, was pursuing Her.

She now feels confused, questioning, and a little bit afraid.
She wants the King to rule her life
She wants to be the best Princess the King has.
But she's still got these wounds.
And these awful desires and
worldly trappings.

She's come back from the slice of paradise
only to realize that she might just be a little
more immature. A little less adult.

She's come back from the slice of paradise
only to realize that she is happy-- and relaxed.
But a little less mature perhaps.

If it is truly a beautiful thing to see the world
through the eyes of a little girl,
she must be the most beautiful thing
on two feet.

But if it is necessary to grow up and not
continue to be a child,
she may have taken a step back.

Keep searching... for those who seek find, and to those who knock the door will be opened to them...

-Girl not even competing for some kind of Rise

The Release

I feel so blessed to see God working through so many of my new friends here at KU.

There are those times when you get pent up inside... and you need to let some of that pent up OUT. And some kids drink... and some party... and some think that sex is the way to let it all out. Some take crazy risks-- some get high-- ditch school-- jump. And I wish that they could see what I see--- and what I see in all of my friends.

God works through them in amazing ways. My friend Sarah plays piano and sings hymns from her piano book. She is so moved by it-- her world is quite literally shaken to the core by it. And it moves everyone around her-- from Ashley... who is not even religious to Shannon who does not play any form of music. It moves me. Because I feel it. And I know the emotion behind it.

Then to hear Ashley break out in harmony... is incredibly inspiring and awe-some. To see her work so swiftly through the most incredibly composed piano arrangements is indescribable.

It's almost as if I had been gripped by the hand of God and all of the exteriors were broken down and shaken off. All that was left was the raw, true, and real me. And us.

It's pretty super-natural... music. It is color and sense for the soul... it is an integral part of religion and is meaningless without faith.

It's such a gift to be able to see God. And to hear God. And to experience God.
It was so visceral. And so physical. You can FEEL it.

All for Now,
Baby J

Shout

She longs for intelligent conversations,
with meaningful outcomes.
She wants direction, action, and results.
She yearns for a running buddy.
Some one to keep up the pace
and slow down when she wants a break.
Some one to give her the feeling that
she is protected, loved, and noticed.
The feeling that she is worthy and beautiful.

It's hard to say whether she is looking for
a good guy or just a good God.
One step closer to God may yield one
step away from the guys.
And one step closer to the guys,
might yield one step farther from God.

She's tired of waiting for a good guy,
and God is getting tired of waiting for
this good girl to notice and appreciate him too.

Time to take care of the existing relationships.
Not the time to start new ones.
God's watch will yield a fruitful harvest.
Eventually.
She prays.

All that for now, he is calling me by name,
Olivia

My Own Little World

There are hectic times in life-- good and bad and all of us deal with these times differently. Quite literally, I have-- as a Jayhawk might-- landed in one of the most gorgeous places on the planet earth. I feel so lucky to be here with so many friendly and supportive people! Friends are easy to meet and come by-- cute boys are found almost anywhere you look, and the sunrises and sunsets are unparalleled. Social Events are played on a continuous loop and clubs and programming is never sparse.

Hectic with classes and homework and meetings and new things to discover. I can't quite put into words the feeling I am experiencing. It hurts in a way because I feel like I have left everything authentic and true behind--- my structured life, my lifelong friends, and my family. But, I'm jumping into a sea of a new life. I want to keep myself throughout all of it... and I think I might just be able to hold onto myself as I run through Tornado Alley. I love the tornado-- I love the crazy... because it is a good kind of crazy. I have to make time for homework that I truly want to do and I have to make time for people I truly want to meet up to and talk with. I have to make time to live my dream and study my dream.

It is like there is this optimist inside of me that has just been waiting for this. And it's like I'm rediscovering myself in a way that makes me really think about what I'm here for and what I want to do with my life.

I feel like I'm growing. And sometimes growing pains hurt. And sometimes it is just really really confusing. But it's all I can do but to grin and bear it. ☺

I think that there are really only a few true loves in my life...I know that one of them is definitely NASA...and KU... KU has really swept me off of my feet.

I thank God that I was blessed with this opportunity-- yet I feel like I can even get closer to God, my Guardian, my Warrior, my Protector, my Consoler, my Comforter, and my knight in shining armor.

As the song plays, "Change is a direct result of all things..."

Love Forever and Ever,
Writer on the Rise

Cling On

Arguably, one of the greatest feelings on the planet Earth is the feeling of being held on to, clung to-- I'm not describing it quite right though. It is the feeling of being the world to someone else-- even if it just for a split second or a split moment. And in that moment, it means the world to you that you can be the world to somebody else. It is a wholly infinite feeling... and it is rare when you get a truly authentic hug.

There was one day, when I was teaching parent tot swim lessons... a little girl named Kya-- not more than two years old waddled up to me as I knelt beside her, soaked with pool water, (looking disgusting) in my swim suit. She didn't say a word. She just threw her arms around me and laid her head in the crook of my neck, on my shoulder. And we just stayed there. For seconds, minutes... I thought that someone would yell eventually... a swim instructor, my boss, a lifeguard. But no. They understood. And for that moment in time, I realized that by being the world for Kya in this one moment, I felt needed and important, and loved. It sounds ridiculous, but I truly believe that in that one moment that little girl gave to me what nobody else could.

As I leave for college, I feel more and more these moments of infinite calm and inner peace when I hug my good friends and bid them adieu. From Washington to Illinois to Michigan to Kansas. There are so many miles and miles in between. Those last hugs mean so much more.

I will miss my good friends here-- it is always a challenge to find quality friends all over again and start from scratch. I am confident that I will keep these lifelong friends though and hopefully share moments where they can mean the world to me, and I to them.

-Girl Beyond The Rise

Game Changers

There are windows of time in everybody's life that I like to call 'game changers'. These periods of time, however long, are characterized by large leaps forward or large leaps backward. These leaps are like the chutes and ladders on the game board of life. Circumstances, environment, support systems, and life as we were accustomed to, break down and rebuild sometimes stronger--sometimes weaker than they were before. Examples of these 'game changers' are: when a close family member passes away, when you get a new job at a new company, when you move somewhere else, when you are diagnosed with that life threatening disease, when you do something stupid that hurts someone else badly, when you make a decision to marry or divorce somebody, take that first swig, or hit, or snort, or cut, or when you step into that chapel for the first time. Everyone's 'game changers' are different and what may seem like a micro-'game changer' to one person may be a huge 'game changer' to another.

In my life, I believe that I have experienced four true 'game changers'. The first was when I moved from my home in Wilmette, IL to Carmel, IN-- I learned how to pack up my belongings, my feelings, and my complaints and get going. I learned how to deal with 3 hour car trips every weekend. I learned how to hold my mother when she cried. I learned how to hide when my parents fought. I learned how to stick with my brother when my parents were unavailable. I learned how to make friends elsewhere and I learned how to learn OLD SCHOOL and got my first C in school-- it was in English. Ironically enough, it was in Carmel IN that I first learned how to swim. And it was there that I learned how to be an adult. All of this-- learned at the age of 9.

The second game changer that I recognize was confirmation. The night I was confirmed, I remember feeling so moved by the sermon that I literally started crying my eyes out. I remember that night being told-- as a young 14 yr old-- that I would always have somewhere to call 'home'.

The third game changer I remember was when I started to self-harm. It was at the end of my sophomore year-- right around the time of my birthday and I remember wearing a jean jacket to my 16th birthday dinner and having a bandage wrapped around my wrist. I remember cutting into my hand that summer when I was lifeguarding. I remember struggling with razor blades, scissors, and knives throughout my junior and senior years of high school. I have worked to develop safer, more effective coping mechanisms since then but I still struggle with the temptation to self-injure occasionally.

The fourth and final game changer I have is when I received the opportunity to intern at the NASA Glenn Research Center. I have a whole blog about that too-- but what that really did for me-- at the age of 17, it taught me to love myself and to push myself outside my own comfort zone. That summer, I gained a whole new attitude, outlook, and appreciation for life and what it has to offer! Without that opportunity, I'm not sure that I would be where I'm at now.

I firmly believe that I'm due for another 'game changer' in about a month: college. I'm nervous and scared-- but I am so ready to make the most out of this very unique opportunity.

Ready to Hit the Ground Running and Do It Right,
Girl Beyond The Rise

The

There's That Moment

There's this moment-- and it happens to all of us-- at different times in our lives. It's hard to describe. It's that moment of huge eyes and panic, brief, silent, hysteria, and a fearful heart. It happens to the best, brightest, and beautiful.

It is the moment right when you are about to jump off of the high dive, or right when you feel like your feet can't touch the ground in the deep pool. It's the moment little kids have when they are learning how to swim-- they are half drowning with eyes and mouth barely out of the water. It's the moment when you've run too far and feel like you are going to hurl. It's the moment where you've gone to bed at 3am and have woken up at 5am and then have to get through a school day. It's the moment where you know that you have screwed up badly and can't make it right. If you've ever been in a vehicle accident of any kind, it's the moment right before collision. It's the moment before you get a test back that you either aced or failed. It's the moment before you have to go on stage to perform or accept. It's the moment before that long race. It's that moment right before you have to take those solo steps into a new life and a new world where you are on your own-- college.

Signed Maturely,
Girl Beyond The Rise

DAY 5: 30 DAY CHALLENGE

I guess I just like this time period more than anything in the world. But to represent the ages of 2-6 (which hold most of my favorite memories, believe it or not), I am posting a picture of me riding my first bike at the age of barely 3. I kept that bike until I turned 10, so i got some pretty good use out of it.

DAY 2: 30 DAY CHALLENGE

This is the person who knows me inside and out. She is my person. She is my mom. And it took me all of 18 years to realize that she’s also my best friend, closest confidante, and greatest supporter. I am closest to my mom right now… and I hope that we will stay forever close.

-Girl Beyond the Baby Rise

DAY 1: 30 DAY CHALLENGE

1. My dream is to work for NASA one day. And my life revolves around my dream.
2. The people who are closest to me-- are my family. They are my BACKBONE.
3. I am ‘down’ with my religion: Christian-Catholic. Faith keeps me going.
4. I write. A TON. I have several blogs, journals, etc.
5. My favorite comfort foods are: Bananas, Coke Zero, Tortellini, & of course, BUBBLE TEA.
6. I love Sarah Palin. Not as a presidential pick… but as a very natural entertainer. She makes me laugh. ☺
7. I was a swimmer for nine years and did double practices (5:50am-7:45am and 5-7pm).
8. I want to get my pilot’s license while in college next year at the University of Kansas.
9. I have a smallish dog named Lily who makes everything better when I’m sad.
10. I really want to become a mother in the future and have two, twin, blond, boys.
11. I am a library rat. I hang out there all the time, go to conferences, and some of my closest friends are librarians. But I HATE reading… but HATE isn’t even a strong enough word.
12. I wear the colors grey, navy blue, and black a lot because it is what I look best in.
13. I could live at O’Hare airport. It is one of my favorite places to be.
14. I can only take the city in small doses or I get really overwhelmed.
15. I micro-manage and organize my life in lists lists and more lists.

-Girl Beyond the 101 Rise

Questions from a Dry Observer

The 5 Ws of my new job as a lifeguard at the YMCA

1. Why do adults who cannot swim take a class entitled "Deep Water"?
2. Why do swimmers live and die by split lane swimming instead of circle swimming?
3. How many noodles does it take to keep a 4 yr old afloat? Certainly not 10...
4. When is it ok to curse out the person who is there to make sure that you are safe?
5. What type of person gets up at 4am to jump into a pool of water with strangers?
6. When is it ok not to have essential life-saving equipment in the pool area?
7. Where do the supervisors hide?
8. What happens when nobody comes to relieve you for 2 hours?
9. How many lifeguards does it take to save a life?
10. What is proper pool etiquette?

Answers:

1. Because the music is good and they want to sing along karaoke style to the oldies.
2. Because common sense is only for the swim team.
3. Apparently all of the noodles in the facility aren't enough for this squirt.
4. According to patrons, any time will do. They are 'entitled'.
5. Monsters.
6. Always. Lifeguards wouldn't know where to find equipment even if it were there.
7. Some type of unknown, un-introduced break room.
8. You stand or sit in the pool area and pray to God somebody shows up eventually.
9. Unclear. All lifeguards have 'passed' the test but are never tested.
10. Come late-- leave early. Take breaks at all costs- screw the rotation.

I need to get back to NASA-- NASA pack will be my summer project. Instructing starts next week. Can't wait.

Until the summer job picks up,
Pool Girl Beyond Some Kind Of Rise