God's Great

Dear God, Sometimes-- I just feel so alone. But there is this evidence that you have shown me. That you have given me. This crazy undeniable evidence that points only to you. Like the 85% on this calculus final. Like the gift of a friend that will talk about the stars until 3am. Of the gift of a home where one is so so loved. I don't understand it. I want to understand it. I will do my best to keep learning about how best to give you the cookies. Thank you for loving my choco-chip cookies. I worked on 'em long and hard. I love you. Thank you for loving me. Your love is all I need. Your child, Olivia

Drama

There is this dance.
And these Y Chromosomes.
And this pressure.
And these embarrassment.
And this lowering of dignity.
And this desperation.

Then there is this coming back.
Then there is this refocusing.
And this calm.
And this rebuilding.

And I can't seem to get this out of my head.
Out of my heart.
And out of my life.
The Drama ends here.
The drama ends now.

-Girl Above The Rise

SpaceX + Discernment = CRAZY

The contrasting and warped shadows that
Fill my head--
There are people, and ideas, and things.
The engineering department.
The people from SELF.
The gorgeous ROCKETS. AND
The selfless Nuns.

Then there is this other guy.
I just happen to be madly in love with Him.
His name, conveniently, is The POP (Prince of Peace).

There are these questions and these voices.
These groups and this-- tension.

And then there are these wonderful people who have helped me so much.
And the incredible individuals who have sacrificed for me.

There are things and ideas and people.
There are people and ideas and things.

And then there is this blissful calm.
This wonderful adrenalin.
That wonderful phone call.
That beautiful reading.
That quiet meditation.

Like two separate galaxies, spinning wildly towards one another.
There are these
Numbers-- beautifully corralled into elegant equations
with the most artfully crafted free-body diagrams and
outlines of dreams that will soon land men on Mars.
And this
Cross, spilling bountiful mercy
and unending love.
A love that is being shared-- and a love that is penetrating.
The love that touches lives and moves souls.
The love that transforms the human heart and brings them to tears.

And then there is the human folly of love--
Which seems so strong and so true.
A love that is, unfortunately,
Divided, painfully in two.

Written cautiously in two keys--
The musician tentatively composes the song--
Fearing that this may not work
That it will sound all wrong.

Girl-- Tearing The Rise

Perfect

The voices in your head.
when you eat,
when you dress,
when you walk,
when you study.
They are always there.
And yet, somehow, I seem to fight them off.
How? Maybe it's not really me fighting-- but another
and then they disappear and FADE--
one by one.

To the voices that say that I am too fat,
I run.
To the voices that say that I am not attractive,
I dress up.
To the voices that say that I am not authentic,
I follow through.
To the voices that say that I'm not smart enough,
I study harder.

But even then-- my pathetic trials do not seem to
completely ward off the voices.

To the voices that I combat each and every day,
To the voices that force me into making up my list of goals,
The substance of my to-do quota and my chores,
To the voices that drive me to one time achieve
and another time act irrationally,
To the voices that say that I am not enough
that I will never be enough...

I say this...

I haven't the strength on certain
days to surrender to God-- to let him help me create a list of goals.
To let Him take that old list and rip it to shreds.
To let Him mold me into a new person.

But I thank my lucky stars that He has the strength to guide me in ways
that are level and smooth--
and I am so lucky that it is all Him that helps me to achieve anything--
and then it is all Him
when he is there grounding me once again.

-Girl On the Crazy Rise

Rebel

Sometimes I just want to be a rebel.
Sometimes I just want to run.
Sometimes I just want to hide.

Sometimes I just don't feel like it.

Sometimes I just don't want that challenge.
Sometimes I just don't want to take on that responsibility.
Sometimes I just don't want to show up.

Sometimes I just don't feel like doing good.

Sometimes I just want to give in-- give up.
Sometimes I just want to do what feels good.
Sometimes I just want to do what is the easiest.

Sometimes I just don't feel like doing good or being obedient.

Sometimes I just don't want to listen.
Sometimes I just don't want to try.
Sometimes I just don't want to take a leap of faith.

Sometimes I just don't feel like doing good, being obedient, or becoming selfless.

Sometimes I just want to ask why?
Sometimes I just want to let my mind wander.

And sometimes, just sometimes,
I just want to stop pretending that I'm
doing good, being obedient, and becoming selfless.

And I guess that is when faith becomes real.
And that might be the sometimes, when I realize
that I'm NOT. But I should try to BE.

Sometimes

Occasionally, we are presented with extraordinary opportunities.
And when these extraordinary opportunities arise,
we are excited-- stunned-- thrilled.
More than anything else we are
grateful.

And sometimes we think that these opportunities reflect one's worth.
That these opportunities define and characterize who we are.
In reality, these opportunities do shape us as humans
but are by no means a definition.

After all, we cannot take credit for what we receive
for it is only by the will and grace of God that we receive
anything.

It is only by the will and grace of God that I receive
a fantastic internship opportunity and somebody else receives a cancer diagnosis.
It is only by the will and grace of God that I receive
the opportunity to attend college while others receive an unwanted pregnancy.
It is only by the will and grace of God that I receive
three incredibly good and close friends in Kansas and others receive not one.
It is only by the will and grace of God that I receive
the gift of faith and hope while others live in misery and despair.
It is only by the will and grace of God that I receive
healing in the part of my life that was wounded while others continue to search.
It is only by the will and grace of God that I receive
an incredibly supportive family while others remain in a family of dysfunction.

My life is by no means perfect-- I definitely have my issues. I'd like to be thinner, have better grades, not have to worry about money, be more humble, live with more humility, and never have any urges to self-harm-- but my life is pretty darn good and I'm pretty darn fortunate to be where I'm at today.

Realizations,
Girl Rapidly Rising But Hoping Not to Fall

What happened?

They are the same old faces.
The same old friends.
The same wonderful people.
The same fun and bright individuals.

It is so strange though,
because, you know, something has changed.
I cannot bring myself to believe that these same
wonderful people--
my friends--
are smoking pot--
and drinking to get drunk--
and hooking up.
Something has changed.
Something is not the same.
The weirdest part is...

I let the judgement seep out of my body and into the ground.
I let the judgement fly from my soul like a butterfly being released in a garden.
I let the judgement drain into the sewers like rain on an April morning.
I let the judgement fall away like the boosters of a rocket during ascent.
I let the judgement run away like a dog held up in a cage for weeks.
I let the judgement rise up, out of me, like smoke out of a chimney stack.
If the finger is to be pointed, it is only to be pointed at myself.

And you know what?
I still love these people I've come to call and keep as friends.
I still cherish our conversations.
I still can relate, somehow.
I am so very different, but so very much the same.

That's all for now,
Girl Beyond The Rise